Spicy Tomato Grits 'Redneck Eats' at their best!

This recipe is from my book "On the Chile Trail, 100 great recipes from across America."  This from the chapter on Texas.  It's 'redneck eats' at their best.

Spicy Tomato Grits

There is no way I can write a chapter about this part of the world without at least one recipe that includes Velveeta cheese and Ro-Tel tomatoes.  Any among you without a little fast food grease on your hands cast the first stone!  This is a delicious southern side dish that will amaze even the most sophisticated of palates.  

2 cups water
1 1/4 cups milk
1 tsp. salt
1 cup quick grits
1/2 cup plus 1 tablespoon unsalted butter
1/3 cup green onions, chopped

1 clove garlic, minced
4 oz. Velveeta cheese, cubed
2 1/2 cups shredded cheddar cheese
1 (10-ounce) can Ro-Tel diced tomatoes and green chilies

Bring the water and milk to a boil in a medium saucepan. Add the salt and then slowly add the grits while stirring.  Return to a boil for 1 minute, while stirring. Reduce the heat, cover, and cook for 3 minutes. Stir in1/2 cup of butter.  Keep stirring until butter is incorporated. Cover and cook for 3 to 5 minutes, or until the grits are thick and creamy. Remove from heat and set aside. In a separate pan sauté the onions and garlic in the remaining butter for 2 minutes.  Stir the Velveeta, half of the cheddar, and the green onions, and garlic into the grits.  Keep stirring until the cheese is fully melted. Stir in the tomatoes. Pour the mixture into a greased casserole dish and bake for 35 minutes in a pre-heated 350°f oven. Sprinkle remaining cheddar over the grits and pop under the broiler for 5 minutes or until golden brown.

Serves 12-14

Old-fashioned Cherry Apricot Bars

Old-fashioned Cherry Apricot Bars

1--1/2 Sticks (3/4 cup) Sweet butter, cut into chunks

1 TBL All-purpose flour, for topping

1/2 C Dried cherries, minced

1/2 C Dried apricots, un-sulfured, minced

2/3 C Fresh-squeezed orange juice

1/2 TSP Sugar

PINCH Cinnamon

Crust:

1/2 C Slivered almonds

1/2 C Fresh grated coconut

1-1/4 C All-purpose flour

3/4 C Old-fashioned rolled oats

3/4 C Dark brown sugar, packed firm

PINCH Cinnamon

1/2 TSP Kosher salt

1.pre heat oven to 150°f.

2. Meanwhile, bring the apricots, cherries, orange juice, sugar, and cinnamon to a boil over medium high heat, reduce heat, cover and simmer, on low, until fruit is soft. Remove from heat. Mash fruit in juice until mixture thickens. Allow to cool.

3. Toast nuts and coconut in oven on a cookie sheet until deep golden brown, about 15 minutes. Remove from oven and allow to cool. Increase temperature to 350°f. In the mixing bowl of a heavy-duty mixer (do not use a food processor for this recipe) combine the almonds, coconut, flour, oats, brown sugar, cinnamon, and salt, and mix well, then add butter. Mix, on medium, until crumb mixture is formed, about 1 minute.

4. Set aside 1C of crumb mixture for topping. Firmly press remaining crumb mixture into the bottom of 8"x8" baking dish. Spoon fruit filling on to crumbs and spread out but do not allow fruit to touch sides of baking dish( leave about 1/8" border.) Mix 1TBL flour with remaining crumb mixture. Sprinkle over fruit filling. Bake for 45-50 minutes, or until golden brown. Allow to cool and cut into squares.

Strawberry Shortcake with Amaretto Caramel Sauce

Strawberry Shortcake with Amaretto Caramel Sauce

Everybody loves strawberry short cake.  This delicious caramel sauce puts it in a class all by its self.

6 cups fresh strawberries

1 cup sugar

Shortcakes:

1 cup flour

3 Tbl. sugar

1 1/2 tsp. baking powder

1/8 tsp. table salt

1/4 tsp. freshly grated nutmeg

1/4 cup sweet butter, cut into pieces

1 egg, beaten lightly

1/4 cup heavy cream

Caramel Sauce:

1/3 cup light brown sugar

2 Tbl. sweet butter

2 Tbl. Amaretto

1 Tbl. heavy cream

 Finish:

1/2 cup Heavy cream

Remove the stems from the strawberries and cut in half.  Place the strawberries in a glass bowl and stir in the sugar.  Cover with plastic and put in the refrigerator for 1/2 hour.  Pre-heat the oven to 400º.  In a medium bowl sift flour, sugar, baking powder, salt, and nutmeg, stir well. Add butter and work mixture with a pastry cutter or 2 knives until dough resembles a coarse meal.  Mix eggs and cream together and then stir into dough just until dough holds together.  Drop the dough a spoonful at a time onto a greased cookie sheet and bake for about 10 minutes or until golden on top.  When biscuits are done, place on a wire rack and allow to cool.  Cut biscuits in half, place bottom half in the bottom of a shallow bowl.  Spoon strawberries and their juice over bottom half of the biscuit and the cover with top half.

 Stir the butter, brown sugar, Amaretto, and cream together in a medium saucepan. Bring to a low boil over medium heat.  Remove from heat and immediately spoon over shortcake.  Pour a little cream around outside of shortcake.

Makes 6

Bread rising… about to bake!

These babys will go in the oven in about two hours!

And then they'll look like this!

Two-chili Salsa with Avocado

Two-chili Salsa with Avocado

I made this recipe for Bruce Jones, my friend and the original Director and Producer of ABC15's The Sonoran Grill, my Emmy Award winning outdoor cooking series.  I would call Bruce up and say, hey come over for breakfast and I'll make you a ham steak bigger than your head.  He loves Mexican food and so I developed this Two-chili Salsa with Avocado.  Although I made it to go with Mexican Breakfast, it's great with chips and Margaritas or any Southwestern meal!

1/2 BUNCH Cilantro, chopped fine

Juice of 1/2 key lime

2 TSP Kosher salt

1 Habanero chile, diced

1 Serrano chile, diced

2 Tomatoes, diced

1 Avocado, peeled, seeded, and cut into 1/2" cubes

1/2 White onion, minced

2 CLOVES Garlic, minced

1. Gently mix all ingredients and let flavors blend for 2 hours.

Chimichurri Sauce

Chimichurri Sauce

If you love grilled meats, especially beef, this amazing sauce from Argentina.  The Argentineans say, “Chimichurri would make nails taste good!”

Use liberally over steaks, Prime Rib, Grill Roasted Tri Tip, Slow smoked pork.

1 cup fresh Italian parsley (Some recipe use cilantro or a combination of both)

3/4 cup extra virgin olive oil

3 tablespoons red wine vinegar

2 tablespoons dried oregano

2 teaspoons ground cumin

1 teaspoon salt

1/2 tablespoon minced garlic

1/2 tablespoon red pepper hot sauce

Directions

Place the parsley, olive oil, red wine vinegar, oregano, cumin, salt, garlic and hot pepper sauce into the container of a blender or food processor. Blend for about 10 seconds on medium speed, or until ingredients are evenly blended.

Makes 1 -1/2 cup

Whole Grill-roasted Sea Bass

Whole Grill-roasted Sea Bass

This technique applies to grill-roasting any fish.

1 2-3 LB Sea Bass, scaled

1 TBL Olive oil

Kosher salt

Fresh-ground black pepper

1 SLICE Lemon

1 SLICE Orange

1 SLICE Lime

2-3 LEAVES Basil (or whatever herb you prefer)

1 TSP Ancho chile powder

2 Green onions, chopped fine

1 Lemon

1. Rinse the fish under very cold water, then dry with a paper towel.

2. Cut 4 deep slits down each side of the fish.  Rub both sides of the fish well with olive oil.  Season to taste with Kosher salt and black pepper.

3. Place the slices of citrus and basil in the cavity of the fish.  Roast the fish on a very clean, medium-hot grill, turning only once.

4. After turning, sprinkle with chili powder and dress with green onions.  To check for doneness you can look inside the slits.  The rule of thumb for grilling fish 10 minutes of direct grilling for every inch of thickness.  You can indirectly grill after browning but use a different burner or if using a charcoal grill move the grate, as too many movements will cause the fish to fall apart.

5. Remove from grill; squeeze a little lemon over the fish and serve.

6. Serves 2.

Horny Toad Open Mic!

Another great open mic Sunday at the Horny Toad, in Cave Creek.  We want to thank Greg, it's been far too long since we've heard his amazing voice,  Glade's daughter Alissa, nine year sold who sang for her first time in front of an audience and a whole host of other talent and the great crowd for supporting music in Cave Creek and Arizona.  Don't forget that Pandy and Mike will have their Wednesday night open mic as usual which is a real fun way to spend an evening and Hatman Dan will be playing Friday and Saturday night all at Cave Creek's own Horny Toad Restaurant… See you soon!

Three Step Sangria

Okay God willing, the satan inspired cold weather is over (Writers note; notice I capitalized God but let that dirty, red, devil remain in lower case, my spell check is arguing this point but hey that's just me living on the edge)


Three Step Sangria

This cool addition to a backyard party
is easy and delicious.

2 Key  limes, sliced thin
1 Lemon, sliced thin
1 Orange, sliced thin
1/2 C Brandy
1/4 C Mandarin Napoleon (orange liquor)
1/4 C Sugar
1 BOTTLE Full bodied red wine
2 TBL Lemon juice
1-2 QT Soda water
Ice cubes

1. Place the fruit slices in a large glass picture with the brandy, Mandarin Napoleon and sugar and allow to sit for 1 hour.
2. Add the wine and lemon juice and allow the flavors to blend for 1 hour more.
3. Add ice and soda water to fill and serve in glasses of ice
4. Serves 8.

Potatoes Anna with Sonoran Lox and Crème Fresh

Potatoes Anna

Are you looking for an easy way to eat America’s favorite vegetable?  That’s right the potato is America’s favorite vegetable, hence the name The King of Vegetables.  Potatoes are delicious, en-expensive and good for you.  We eat them, on average, at least five times a week.  So we’re always looking for a new potato recipe.   “Potatoes Anna” is a delicious thin potato pancake.  But, until now, they required a mandolin (French Kitchen tool for slicing), because the secret to “Potatoes Anna” is in cutting the potatoes paper-thin. If they are not this thin they don’t stick together. This slicing can be done with a knife if the cook is very talented.  Even food processors can cut the potatoes too thick.  There is an en-expensive new tool called a ceramic slicer that’s made by Kyocera.  They come in two variations adjustable and non-adjustable.  If using the adjustable slicer make sure to set it on the thinnest setting.  The non-adjustable slicer is set at the correct thickness.  This also works wonders on slicing paper-thin cucumbers. 

We serve the “Potatoes Anna” several different ways, including: plain with poached eggs for breakfast, with a slice of black forest ham in the center and a thin slice of baby Swiss cheese on top for lunch and we also use an iron skillet and make them on the grill with grilled meat, chicken or fish.

 Today’s recipe includes Crème fresh and thin sliced lox (recipe below) or smoked salmon. The Crème fresh can be substituted with sour cream.  But, if you’d like you can make your own Crème fresh at home by combining one part of fresh buttermilk with eight parts heavy whipping cream.  Just place the cream mixture in a glass bowl, covered with plastic wrap and allow to rest at room temperature for 24 hours. It will become thick.  Give the mixture a stir and place it in the refrigerator.  It can be stored for up to 10 days and tastes much richer than commercially made sour cream.

This recipe is a big hit at Sunday Brunch.  Try serving it with a good sparkling wine and fresh fruit. 

2 medium Yukon gold potatoes, sliced paper-thin (Do not rinse after slicing)

1 Tbl. Corn or olive oil

1 Tbl. Sweet butter

Salt and fresh ground black pepper to taste

A dollop of crème fresh or sour cream

A small thin slice of smoked salmon, rolled into a rosette

1/2  tsp. caviar

Sprig of fresh dill

1 tsp. finely chopped Italian parsley

Set a large skillet over medium heat.  Once it heats up fully, add the oil and butter.  Allow the oil and butter to melt and become hot.  Remove the skillet from the heat and set on a thick kitchen towel or heat resistant silicone kitchen pad.  Starting in the center of the skillet line the bottom with circles of potato slices that just barely overlap, until the skillet has one complete layer. *Salt and pepper to taste.  Then add the second layer.  Return the skillet to the heat and cover.  As soon as the bottom of the potatoes are deep brown, gently flip with a large spatula or if you are able flip the potatoes with a sauté motion.  Allow the other side to brown, uncovered.  Remove to dinner plate and top with a dollop of crème fresh, then place a smoked salmon rosette in the center of the crème fresh.  Gently place the caviar in the center of the rosette and garnish with a sprig of fresh dill.  Sprinkle a little of the chopped parsley over the potatoes and serve immediately. 

*The salt in the center of the potatoes both seasons and starts the maceration process which causes starch and moister to be released.  This helps the dish to hold together.

Sonoran Lox

Our lox is salmon that is cured for 6 days and then slow-smoked on ice for 6 hours. It's got a sweet, salty flavor with a just a hint of mesquite and apple woods. We're pretty sure this one will really impress those friends and relatives who drop by on the weekend.  And yes it's a long process, but the flavor is worth it!

2 Large Salmon Fillets

2 C Kosher salt

2 C Dark Brown Sugar

1/2 C Premium, Rum, vodka or tequila

2 TBL Mandarin Napoleon liqueur

1. Scale the fillets (this step is optional).  Remove any finger bones and cut at least six, one inch holes in the skin to allow penetration of the brine.

2. Place salmon in a baking dish, skin side down.  Mix sugar and salt well and spread over the salmon.  Drizzle rum and Mandarin Napoleon over salmon.

3. Place a second baking dish (same size as the dish the salmon is in) on top of the salmon and place approximately 6LBS of weight in the upper dish (I use the family dictionary.).

4. Set both dishes on a baking sheet to catch drippings and let cure in the refrigerator for 6 days, turning the fish every 24 hours.

5. In a two-chamber smoker, light 2-3 pieces of pure Mesquite charcoal in the firebox and start soaking alder wood chips.  In upper chamber place large plastic tub or baking dish full of ice, as far away from fire box as possible.

6. Place salmon on sheet pan and set the pan on top of the ice. Use small butter dishes, or bowls as spacers and place second sheet pan on top of first.  Do not allow top pan to touch salmon. Fill second sheet pan with ice.

7. The idea is that you allow a very thin corridor for the salmon to lie in with ice both above and below.  It is important that the salmon stays very cold.  It is also important that just a few coals are used at a time.

8. Add a few alder wood chips at a time and smoke for 4-6 hours. Check on your ice and drain off excess water.  Add more ice as necessary. Do not allow salmon to get wet.

9. When salmon has finished smoking, lightly brush with olive oil.  Slice paper thin to serve.

10. If you have access to a food sealer, seal the salmon and refrigerate.  Date sealed salmon; it will remain fresh for about 2-1/2 weeks.

New Mexioc Green Chile

New Mexico Green Chile

2 LBS Lean pork roast cut into 1/2" cubes

Lard or cooking oil

1 White onion, chopped

4 Medium white potatoes, cut into 1/2" cubes

4 Medium zucchini, chopped into 1/2" cubes

1 14-oz. CAN Diced tomatoes, drained

1-1/2 LBS Green chile (I prefer fresh roasted), chopped

1 CLOVE Fresh garlic, minced

1 48-oz. CAN Chicken broth

Salt to taste

1. In a large, heavy, lightly oiled skillet, brown the pork, onions and potatoes.  When brown, drain off any excess grease.  Add tomato, zucchini, green chile, garlic and chicken broth.  Bring to a boil and simmer for about 1 hour.

2. If stew gets too thick add a little water. If the stew is too thin add a little masa flour made into a paste.  Stir often to prevent sticking.  Serve in big soup bowls, like a hearty stew.

Hmmm!

"Never trust a man in a blue trenchcoat,

 never drive a car when you're dead"    -Tom Waits

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Cajun Rice

I thought I shoud also give you my recipe for Cajun Rice to go with the last post!

It is a welcome addition to any Southwestern or Mexican main course.  And yes you need to use the Converted Rice (Think Uncle Ben's Brand)

2 C Converted rice

2-1/2 C Chicken broth

1-1/2 TBL Unsalted butter, melted

1-1/2 TBL Celery, chopped fine

1-1/2 TBL Red bell pepper, chopped fine

1-1/2 TBL White onion, chopped fine

1/2 TSP Salt

1/8 TSP Cayenne

1/8 TSP Onion powder

1/8 TSP Granulated garlic

1/8 TSP White pepper

1/8 TSP Black pepper

1. In a small covered baking dish, combine all ingredients.  Mix well and cover with lid.  Bake at 350º for about 1 hour and 10 minutes, or until rice is tender.

2. Serve immediately.

Filé Gumbo with Grill-roasted Chicken and Andouille Sausage

Filé Gumbo with Grill-roasted Chicken and Andouille Sausage

 

  Rub

1/2 C Hungarian paprika or Mild New Mexico Red Chile Powder

2 TBL Kosher salt

1 TBL Brown sugar

2 TSP Cayenne pepper

1 TSP Thyme

1 TSP Granulated garlic

4 Chicken legs

2 Chicken thighs

2 Chicken wings

1/4 C Sweet butter

2 TBL Filé powder

1-1/2 C White onion, minced

1-1/2 C Red bell pepper, minced

1-1/2 C Celery, minced

1 TBL TRAPPEY'S® RED HOT hot sauce

1/2 TSP White pepper

1/2 TSP Greek oregano

1/2 TSP Cayenne pepper

1/2 TSP Kosher salt

1/2 TSP Granulated garlic

6 C Chicken broth

1 C Tomato sauce

1 C Tomatoes, peeled and seeded

1 LB Okra, sliced into 1/2" rings

1/2 LB Andouille sausage, sliced

1. Mix the rub together, rub on outside of chicken and indirectly grill-roast, with a medium fire, until fully cooked. Set aside.

2. Melt the butter in a large stock pot over medium high heat. Add Filé powder, onion, bell pepper, celery, hot sauce, white pepper, oregano, cayenne, salt, and granulated garlic. Sauté until soft. Add tomato sauce, tomatoes, chicken broth, and okra. Bring to a boil, reduce heat add sausage and chicken, simmer for at least 1 hour.

3. Serve with Cajun Rice.

Basic Italian Red Sauce

I came home tonight and made Kathy's favorite meal Spaghetti with meat sauce.  I added 1 pound of ground beef and 1/2 pound of ground pork, browned and simmered with the basic red sauce recipe.

Authors note: Buy the DOP certified, San Marzano tomatoes, Yes they're $6 a can or more and it's the best $6 you can spend in your kitchen! 

Basic Italian Red Sauce

Use this wonderful sauce on pizza, pasta, or meat.

6 C San Marzano tomatoes DOP certified (not American tomatoes)

3 TBL Extra virgin olive oil

4 CLOVES Garlic, whole

3/4 C Finely chopped white onion

1/4 C Red table wine

1/4 C Italian parsley, chopped fine

1/4 C Fresh basil leaves, chopped fine

2 TSP Greek oregano, dried

1 TSP Italian seasoning

1 TSP Brown sugar

1 TSP Crushed red chile

1 TSP Salt

Garnish;

Italian parsley, chopped fine

Fresh, grated Romano cheese

1. Put the tomatoes and their juices in a food processor or blender and puree until smooth.

2. In a large saucepan, simmer the onions and garlic in the olive oil over a medium-high heat until onions get soft and start to brown; stir occasionally.

3. Add the tomatoes and wine, Raise heat to a light boil for 7 minutes. Hold the lid above the pan, to stop spattering with one hand and stir with the other.

4. Reduce heat to low. Add parsley, basil, spices, sugar, chili and salt and simmer for 25 minutes, stirring occasionally.

5. Garnish with Italian parsley and fresh grated Romano cheese.

6. Makes about 8C sauce.

Grandma Rose's Blackberry Cobbler

Grandma Rose's Blackberry Cobbler

This is my Grandma Rose's famous recipe. Our family loves this mouth-watering dessert so much that when Kathy and had our baby girl we named her after Katie Rose after my Grandmother Margret Rose.  If this recipe gets around there may be many more Rosies in the world!

Fresh Berries at The Pike Street Farmer's Market, in Seattle.  I had my first bite of this wonderful Cobbler a few miles north of this location, in Mukilteo Washington.  You can use this versatile recipe with any fresh berries or fruit.  Thanks Grandma!

24 OZ Fresh blackberries

3/4 C Sugar

1-1/2 TBL Corn starch

Juice of 1/2 lemon

Topping;

1 C Flour

3/4 C Sugar

1/2 TSP Salt

1/2 TSP Baking powder

1 Large egg

1 Stick sweet butter, melted

1. Preheat oven to 375∫.

2. In a small saucepan, bring 1 cup of water to a low boil. Place 6 ounces of blackberries and lemon juice in a blender and puree. Add to the saucepan and simmer for 3 minutes. Remove from heat.

3. Put remaining berries in a bowl and carefully mix in cornstarch and sugar, trying not to break up berries. Carefully fold in the warm berry mixture. Spoon mixture into an 8x8-inch baking dish or pie pan.

4. In a separate bowl, mix together flour, sugar, salt, and baking powder. Add egg and mix until crumbly. Sprinkle topping over blackberry mixture and drizzle with melted butter.

5. Bake for at 375∫. for 45 minutes or until topping is a deep, golden brown. Serve with vanilla ice cream and good coffee.
Makes 8 to 10 servings.

Bacon, Black Olive, Potato Salad

This is our world famous Potato salad.  We've been making it for 30 years and it is among the most requested recipes we make.  Enjoy!

Bacon, Black Olive, Potato Salad

8 Lbs. Russet potatoes

4 sticks celery, chopped

1 bunch scallions, chopped

1/2 green bell pepper, chopped into 1/4 inch cubes

1/2 red bell pepper, chopped into 1/4 inch cubes

1 Lb. bacon fried crisp, drain and crumble

2 - 2 1/4 oz can sliced black olives, drained

2 cups heavy mayonnaise

2 tsp. yellow mustard

Salt and pepper to taste

Boil potatoes, with skin on, until tender, 30 to 40 minutes.  Remove

potatoes from water and let cool overnight in the refrigerator.  Peel

potatoes and cut into 3/4 inch cubes.

In a large mixing bowl combine mayonnaise, mustard, olives, bacon, bell

pepper, scallions, and celery.  Mix well and then fold in potatoes.  If

needed add a little more mayonnaise.  Salt and pepper to taste. 

Serves 12 to 15.

"The Life" a chapter from my novel "Willie"

My school ID photo when I was studying writing!

The life            

            With a quick poke, the needle pierces the big, pulsing vein on Willie’s right arm just below a three and a half inch line of tracks that follow the vein to his current injection site, revealing several years of intravenous drug use.  He pushes a small amount of the dark brown liquid into his arm.  It is still warm from cooking it up in the spoon, with the burned bottom, that is laying on the table next him.  He pops loose the rubber surgical hose, tying his arm off, and starts to feel the warm rush. Drawing blood back into the syringe it mixes with the sweet brown nectar, a swirling cloud of narcotic heaven that Willie is now shooting three or four times a day.  He slowly pushes the plunger down.  As the syringe empties he feels the opiates ooze into every pore in his body; like warm honey.  Fading into a tranquil dream and then nodding out, he is floating in the arms of his one true love… Heroin.

            After about twenty minutes, Willie slowly opens one lazy eye; with a sleepy smile he thinks to himself, “well… time to earn.” 

            He unbuttons his fly and picks up a second syringe, filled with smack that is lying on the table next to the burnt spoon.  Checking to make sure the plastic cap covering the needle is secure he then tapes the syringe, point down, to the inside of his thigh, just below his crotch, with a wide strip of surgical tape, and then pulls his pants back up.

            Driving over to the job, Hank Williams is on the crackling old radio in his 1965, piece of shit, Plymouth Valiant.

            Even though it’s the middle of the night and snowing outside, he’s warm and toasty, partially from the heater but mostly from the heroin.  With a dreamy smile on his face he follows along, “Hear that lonesome whippoorwill, he sounds too blue to fly…”

            His mind wonders over to thinking about her… hotter then doughnut grease, that one.  It’s not his fault, if her old man doesn’t know what she really needs. Most straight johns have no idea how to treat women.  He snickers to himself, ”It’s okay honey we can try again next month.”  She couldn’t get enough of him, then he turned her on to the shit and that was the end of her Betty Crocker days.  By now he’s singing at the top of his lungs with the old car radio, “And as I wonder where you are, I’m so lonesome I could cry!”

“Man oh man is this some great shit,” he thinks s to himself.

            She told Willie about her boss, the middle-aged lawyer, with thinning hair and a huge paunch.  He was always standing too close, with his perpetual bad breath and those eyes that were always peaking down her blouse.  Then one afternoon, as Willie was leaving her house, before her husband got home, she mentioned the safe in his office.

            “Does he keep cash in it?”  Willie asked.

            “Not usually, but he’s been meeting with a client that owns topless bars all over town and he always pays in cash.  My boss keeps bitching about it,”

She tells Willie “I’m pretty sure he’s holding the cash in the safe, so he won’t have to claim it.” 

            Twenty minutes later, Willie drives into the parking space in back of the law office.  He wonders around to the trunk of his car to get his tool bag.  Checking his pocket to make sure he brought the key, he heads into the empty office.  Once inside he waits a few minutes with his eyes closed, to adjust to the darkness. While he waits he hums the Hank William’s tune he had been singing earlier enjoying the warm narcotic haze. 

            Opening his eyes, there is enough light to proceed with out a flashlight.  First he throws furniture and the contents of desk drawers around the room knowing full well that the safe is upstairs.  If he goes directly to the safe the cops will know it was an inside job.  He then goes upstairs and ransacks the other offices, saving her bosses office for last.

            Once at the safe, he points a small flashlight at the dial and puts on the stethoscope.  Three full turns to the left to clear the tumblers.

            Hank starts singing in his head “I’ve never seen a night so low.”

            Concentrate, he firmly tells himself. 

            “When tears get in your eyes”

            The dial starts to look a little fuzzy.

            Willie quickly realizes, he’s way to high to open the safe.  Plan b… He’ll have to take it back home and crack it after he comes down.  A quick nudge and he can tell it’s been bolted to the concrete floor… no problem.

            Willie gets out his pocketknife and walks over to a beautiful dark brown leather couch in the center of the office.  He cuts out a 20-inch square of the leather from the seat cushion.  Looking through his tools he takes out a splitting wedge and a 12-pound sledgehammer.  He wraps the wedge in the soft leather and tucks the edge under the front of the safe.  He adjusts the light to shine on the wedge and stands up.  Holding the sledgehammer like a golf club, he pretends to look down a fairway and quietly says, “four” to himself and takes a full swing at the splitting wedge.  The leather muffles the sound, but the safe doesn’t budge.  For the next 10 minutes, Willie constantly beats on the wedge, occasionally taking out his frustrations by smashing the expensive walnut furniture, lamps and assorted decorations that are scattered about the room.

            The safe finally gives; a few more whacks and it breaks free. He lifts the safe, checking the weight.  It’s heavy, maybe 125 pounds.  Lifting it all the way up he thinks, “I’ll need a shortcut.” Willie drops the safe on a coffee table just for fun, and looks around the room.  He walks on over to the huge picture window that has the words Law Office painted backwards in black and gold old English letters.  Looking up and down the street, the coast is clear.  Willie walks back, picks up the safe and runs at the window, raising it up as high as he can, as he gets closer.  One last heft and the safe sails through the second story window.  As it breaks through the glass the silence is shattered with the screaming clang of an alarm.

            “Shit” he says out loud…”Time to go!”

            Not wanting to waste second Willie steps out through the broken window on to the ledge.  The safe is lying down on the sidewalk surrounded by the shattered glass, about 12 feet below.  He leaps down, but what he doesn’t see is the ice covering the sidewalk.  When he hits the ground his feet fly out from underneath him and the back his head smashes into the corner of the safe.  Lying in broken glass he feels the warm blood dripping down his neck and back.  The police cars sirens are now drowning out the clang of the alarm.  Several squad cars screech to a stop a few feet away. The cops jump out and surround Willie, guns drawn. 

            He blurts out, “Man, am I glad to see you guys!  I was walking down the street, minding my own business when that safe came flying out the window and hit me right here on the back of my head.  I’m lucky to be alive. Just wait tell my lawyer gets a hold of these guys.”

            The cops, less than convinced, spend the next five minutes cuffing and kicking the shit out of Willie, followed by a quick search.  They empty his pockets and overlook the dope hidden in his pants.  At the jail, Willie gives a call to his lawyer and they toss him in a cell with a few drunks and assorted Nair-do-wells.  The guard leaves, Willie reaches inside his pants and pulls out the syringe. 

            “Anybody want to party?” he asks the other men.  They all decline.  Willie tears off a piece of his shirtsleeve and ties off his arm.  He shoots the dope as the other men look on in horror.  His eyes roll back in his head and the world is once again right.  After about 10 minutes he comes to and bums a smoke off of one of the other men.  Leaning back with a big smile, he takes a slow drag off the cigarette, blows a few rings and starts singing, “And as I wonder where you are, I’m so lonesome I could cry!”